April 23


CAM: 10 facts so far. And one lie. So, 9 facts.

I have already learned the following things about San Antonio, particular San Antonians, San Antonio art, art in general, and celebutaining.




A Zen Koan (with monkey)

I have a friend who was, for a time, a seriously devout Buddhist. He once stayed at an ashram in Northern India for months, studying Sanskrit texts. I think this is actually not bullshit.



San Antonio Netflix index

I like to keep track of Netflix Streaming's local favorites for San Antonio as an emotional and aesthetic barometer of our city. It's a list of five films currently favored by SATX viewers, and approximately 85 percent of the time, it includes La Bamba (1987). This makes sense, and suits me fine – it's a good, heartwarming, sad movie about a famous and important musician. Ritchie Valens! He buys his mother a house! Esai Morales is very hot as his troubled brother/drummer! And ah, the enigma of Lou Diamond Phillips. In La Bamba, of course, he plays a Mexican-American character. In Stand and Deliver, he also plays a Mexican-American character. And in Young Guns, and Young Guns II, too.

In 1997, though, he earned Drama Desk and Tony award nominations for his portrayal of the king of Siam in The King and I on Broadway. I don't have a problem with this, seeing as how if Lou Diamond Phillips waited around for a Scots-Irish-Cherokee-Filipino character, he wouldn't have been in anything until 2009's I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here, in which he ostensibly played himself.


A true story worth $1,200

I went to New York City recently, where I lived from 2000-2008, to visit friends. It wasn't a super ambitious trip. I saw one art show by my friend Butt Johnson, which was stunning. I ate things I can't find in San Antonio, such as Shanghai Soup Dumplings, really for real bagels, and for one dinner, Dutch cuisine, including a horseradish-infused aquavit, which in addition to tasting very interesting also renders your breath capable of tanning hides.

I also wanted to track down my former landlord, who owes me a $1,200 rent deposit from 2008. I've been tracking him for three years now. Unlike this other German person I've got issues with, this German guy is kind of endearing, actually. A con artist, but fascinating. He was a self-described minimalist artist of great renown, a person of indeterminate age (somewhere between 55-80), about the size of an average 13-year-old girl, with a voice somewhere between esteemed character actress Linda Hunt and Fraü Blucher.


Of golden-years gym nudity, pro and con

The moment I saw her in the whirlpool, I knew she was trouble. It's not that she was nakeys; I've gotten used to that. And it's not that she was of a certain age ... Sexy seniorhood, too, is common among the '09 gym-goers. I enjoy this aspect of this location of my gym chain; it's sweating to the oldies, with the oldies. I like to watch the enthusiastic older ladies in water aerobics classes, all smiles and sensible swimsuits. Some even wear those fetching rubber swim caps covered in bas-relief flowers which I secretly covet despite their near-absurd level of practical uselessness; the drag must be considerable. The water aerobics ladies tend not to be in the game for speed so much, though, I guess. They do a lot of hopping, holding Styrofoam weights, and laughing.


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